Finding Me Again

by Kristle Neeson

Photo by  Liana Mikah  on  Unsplash

Photo by Liana Mikah on Unsplash

For those that know me, I’m someone that likes to dress up and wear pretty clothes and on the rare occasion put on some makeup.

I dream of going to fancy events and dressing up in gowns, I dream of learning how to put on glamorous makeup looks.

Also, I’m someone who likes to maintain my slim physique.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not weight obsessed but I am conscious one way or another about my weight. (This however doesn’t stop me from eating all the sweet, sugary goodness!) Note, I don’t own a weighing scale so I don’t track my weight with numbers…I track it by how my clothes are fitting me! 

When I fell pregnant, I knew I would get big and gain weight but I just didn’t know how much and how big.

In the beginning of my pregnancy, my weight gain was stable and I was quite tiny 'til I was five months pregnant. And on the sixth month, my belly decided to pop out of nowhere and my weight gain did some proper gaining.

I was not really surprised though as I found myself eating so much more and craving a lot of sweet baked goods!

Let me tell you this, it was then where I found myself not being bothered about how I looked or what I wore. It was like I had lost interest in myself.

I thought to myself, “what’s the point?” I just look fat. My belly is big. Nothing fits me. I feel uncomfortable. I didn’t even have the energy to put on any makeup at all, even on special occasions since I thought my face was too chubby and that put me off. I would look at my pre-pregnancy clothing and feel bad that I could not fit into them now and worry that I may never wear them again.

My everyday look would just be baggy shirts and leggings or loose pants. Yep, they were the most comfortable clothing at this point in my pregnancy but it didn’t make me feel good at all.

I was definitely looking forward to having this baby out and slowly shred this extra weight off and get back to dressing up.

But boy did I think wrong!

It just got worse.

Endless days being in my pajamas, you could say I was lucky to sneak in a shower every 2-3 days, breast milk leaking all over me, baby vomit all over me, and dress up time for me before leaving the house would probably be the last ten minutes prior (which meant still being in leggings and loose shirts).

I couldn’t even stare at myself in the mirror as I could just see those dark circles under my eyes only getting bigger and darker.

Yes, I did lose some weight and my belly had shrunk but I felt worse than I did while I was pregnant.

Now, more than before did I really stop caring of how I looked.

I. Just. Lost. Complete. Interest. In. Myself.

I didn’t recognise me anymore.

What I wore didn’t matter, how my face looked didn’t matter, how my hair was done didn’t matter.

All that didn’t matter, even if it made me feel worse about my situation.

I could not entertain that tiny part of me yearning to look and feel good as I couldn’t reach it anymore.              

Then one day as I watched make-up videos on Youtube, I remembered what a good friend told me once.

“How you dress and present yourself affects how you feel about yourself and how others see you. If you want your family/husband coming home happy and excited to see you after a long and tiring day, make the effort to put on your best clothes and a tinge of makeup to welcome them home.

It makes all the difference.”

Wow. That hit me hard.

My husband has been coming home to a drabby, tired looking wife in her pjs, messy hair and pale face. He probably feels even more tired upon his arrival once he sees me.

“So God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them;”
(Genesis 1:27)

It really got me thinking. It’s not only me that sees me. My husband sees me day in and day out. My in-laws see me. My own family see me when they visit. How do I want them to see me? How do I want them to feel when they see me?

God has created me in His image and likeness, therefore, this is something that I must look after. Through myself, I represent God in the way I dress, act and speak. With my drabiness, I don’t think I represent as a daughter of God!

After all the struggles and hardships my body recently went through, I lost myself part way. I gave up on making myself feel good without realizing that not only has this affected me but others that may see me. Yes, they may be more understanding that as a first time mum I’m finding it hard but at least for me to try and put more effort.

I slowly started to pick myself up. My interest in dressing up in nice clothes started bubbling up to the surface, doing window-shopping online was exciting again, watching make-up and fashion videos got me wanting to try them out and I even bought a new make-up set! I’ve also gone in for a fresh hair-do!

Even though I may still not be able to have the time to get to where I was prior to the baby and be all 'glammed' up, but, at least the effort to look good daily will be there. This will help me with my mood of being down and bring up confidence in myself to be a mum to my little one. Also, I’ll be more welcoming to my family when they see me.

To those that are going through rough patches and feel that they are losing themselves, take time out to refresh yourself. Re-evaluate your situation and say to yourself “you are perfect just the way you are”. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Never give up on yourself because it is with you first that will help you to accomplish anything.

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about the author

Hi! I'm Kristle. I'm 24 years old, a wife to a wonderful husband and a first-time mum to a beautiful baby girl.
I enjoy baking, blogging, shopping and outdoor adventures.
I am currently working on a new blog in the hope to support mums of any stages as they go through the struggles and joys of motherhood.
Keep you eyes peeled for this!